BOO!

Yep, it’s almost Halloween. That time when children, I repeat CHILDREN, dress up in costumes and beg house-to-house (or in Andalusia on the Square) for candy.

Back in the old days, this was pretty much a kids’ holiday. I don’t remember my parents dressing up for Halloween. Well, unless you count the time Daddy threw a sheet over his head and tried to scare us by running around outside in the dark.

Nope, grownups helped you with your costume and gave out candy. My, did times change. These days, the market for adult costumes is as large, if not larger, than the one for little people.

So, what are the best grown-people costumes? Well, according to one website the gorilla suit is classic. “There’s nothing like a big ape roaming around a crowd of people.” That’s what the site said and since it’s on the internet, it must be true.

Their next suggestion is another classic — the skeleton. They suggest you make it a glow-in-the-dark version. I guess so the big ape can see you when they turn off the lights.

Then there are the sexy costumes. This is a family paper so we aren’t going there. Use your imagination and picture big ape meeting campy vampire.

One of my favorites was the suggestion that a couple dress as nun and priest. As the website says: “Perhaps they are on their way to perform an exorcism, to give out some special blessings or maybe they just need to cut-loose for a night of heavenly fun.”

Wonder how big apes feel about clergy?

Of course, there are the “scary” costumes. As the site says, “Do an ultimate costume this year, be it vampire, grim reaper or mummy. Use contacts, fangs, latex prosthetics…” I hear the contacts are illegal and dangerous, but hey, anything for the ultimate costume — even blindness.

There was a section addressed to plus-sized people. It said there are plenty of costumes available for them. Notice it did not say costumes for “fat people.” This is a politically correct website. If you want fat people costumes, you have to go to Walmart. I hear they have an entire aisle labeled that way.

As for what’s “in” this year in adult costumes. Here is what another website says.

“Grownups will have plenty of alternatives to pick from in attractive makeup and costumes… 2014 is the year to get odd with youth .benders, which turn around the parts of male and female are on the surge. Gorgeous Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, sexy Ronald McDonald, as well as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all have a gender bender spotlight in 2014.”

I don’t even want to see a sexy Ronald McDonald. As for turning around male and female parts, that sounds painful, dangerous and frightening.

After reading these suggestions for Halloween attire, I thought of a couple of my own. Now I have no plan to spook it up for the holiday, but if I was inclined to don a costume, I can think of some scary, scary stuff.

First, I’d be me before I have a cup of coffee in the morning. No caffeine and no makeup goes beyond scary.

As for a trendy costume that speaks to our addiction to technology, I could dress up as a broken cell phone. That surely puts the fear of God in folks. The thought of not being able to text or tweet is right up there with an attack from a chainsaw welding monster or a big ape.

Wait, I know what I’d choose for Halloween in South Alabama. It will scare most everyone in this great state. I know it will because I hear the fear when a campaign ad says the word-that-shall-not-be-spoken.

Yep, the scariest costume for the 2014 Halloween celebration is, are you ready — a LIBERAL. Worse, a liberal Democrat. Best part of this is I don’t have to do a thing but be myself.